


Loneliness

by tetsubro



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Gen, M/M, Self-Harm, watari-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-04
Updated: 2016-09-04
Packaged: 2018-08-13 00:50:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7955692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tetsubro/pseuds/tetsubro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He felt alone, jealous and disgusting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Loneliness

“Watari, you’re extremely off your game lately. What’s the matter? Is everything alright?”

Watari didn’t answer. Who would’ve thought that Kyoutani would be the one to ask him if everything’s alright. Well a year ago, nobody, but the blonde with the unusual stripes on his head became a very important part of the new Seijou team as soon as the third years graduated.

It’s been almost four months since Yahaba took on the title of the captain and Kyoutani as their ace.

It’s been almost two months since Watari found himself watching his best friends more and more. He doesn’t remember when he started wanting more than just friendship between them.

But he kept it a secret. He didn’t want to ruin their friendship over something like this especially when this year was their last chance at beating Karasuno and Shiratorizawa to go to the nationals.

It’s been almost a week since he found out his best friends are dating. He should be happy for them. He shouldn’t be bitter and jealous.

But he is. He is bitter they didn’t tell him. Apparently they’ve been dating since the start of their third year. It’s been almost four months already. He considered himself their best friend. Well, then again which best friend thinks of both his best friends like this?

He is jealous. He wants to be part of their relationship. But they trust him as a friend. He shouldn’t. He shouldn’t. He can’t.

Kyoutani is still staring at him. Waiting for his answer. He has to lie. He has to make sure nobody notices.

“Yeah, I just had a bad week. Schools getting harder and moms been asking me what I want to do after graduation.” He shot Kyoutani his best smile hoping he wouldn’t notice how fake it is.

“Watari, if this-“

“No, really I’m fine. I just need to calm down a bit. It has nothing to do with what happened a week ago. Believe me I’m happy for you guys.” _Or I would be if you would’ve told me sooner or if I was normal. But you can’t have everything, can you?_

Kyoutani didn’t look convinced but left anyways.

The way Watari found out probably hurt the most. As cliché as it sounds he walked in on them fucking in the club room. They didn’t even notice him until he ran out of the room and slammed the door shut behind him.

After that they had a talk and he joked and all seemed ok on the outside. They decided that Watari should have the club room keys to lock up so none of their underclassmen get traumatised by catching their captain fucking their ace senseless.

And now he was sitting there, in a dark room alone after everybody left. He felt alone. Technically they didn’t need him in the club anymore. There was a new talented libero in their new first years and with a little bit of training he could pull off Wataris libero toss.

But in the end he would never do that. They had promised each other they would defeat their rivals together.

He´d just have to deal with his feelings till the end of the school year. Cause, who guaranteed they would still be friends after graduation. Who said they would not go to different schools and never see each other again?

He looked to his side. Looking at his trimming knife blade. Still stained with his blood. He would have never thought he would be doing this to relieve the pain. He would’ve never thought he would ever need this to not feel better. He would have never thought he would do this over a broken heart.

_You’re disgusting._

Watari looked at his upper arms. Even after cleaning the wounds and bandaging them, even after cleaning he knife and putting it away, he could smell the blood and it kind of satisfied him.

He sighed and took a deep breath before swallowing his tears and going home.

\-------

It was the day before the finals. They had beaten Shiratorizawa for the first time in what seemed like forever. People kept saying it was only because Ushijima wasn’t their ace anymore and if he still would’ve been there they wouldn’t have beaten them.

Neither teams cared that day though. Both teams gave it their all and it was a close game but in the end Seijou won.

Everyone on his team was ecstatic. He even saw Kindaichi tear up. However that was nothing compared to Oikawa who was straight up bawling happy tears. The four former third years especially came to watch their match and cheer on them. Only Oikawa got this emotional though. Well, he could understand why since everyone knew of rivalry and hatred their former captain had against Shiratorizawa and especially their former captain Ushijima.

Everyone was happy. Watari was happy as well. They achieved their first goal. He was happy and yet he felt like going home and crying and never coming back to practise or a volleyball game ever again.

Who would’ve thought pure happiness could instantly change to depressing thoughts from just seeing your crushes innocently holding hands?

Their coaches had told them to just go home and rest for the big game but no one left the gym. The former third years had made Oikawa buy food again but this time he was happy to do so even if he whined about it not being his job to do but Yahabas.

After a while the first and second years went home and it was just the former and the new third years. They were talking and laughing and everything seemed going smoothly. But Watari just wanted to get away. The PDA was too much and he hated himself for hating it so much. For not being able be happy for his best friends. Hating himself for not being normal.

He stood up and got ready to go home when a voice stopped him from just leaving the gym.

“Watari, I want to go home as well. Let’s go together.” Iwaizumi said ignoring Oikawas complaints and getting up as well.

Nobody really tried to stop them so Watari didn’t think anybody noticed. He wore the long sleeved pads so no one would notice the fresh scars. Well not that anyone would notice anyway. They were all in their own little happy world.

They walked in silence till the gym was out of sight and Watari shouldn’t have been surprised that things might not have been going as unnoticed as he hoped as Iwaizumi pulled him to the nearest park.

He should’ve seen it coming from the moment Iwaizumi offered to go together. From the moment Oikawa didn’t join them because from what he remembers the two of them were neighbours and always walked home together.

“So, do you want to tell me what’s going on? I won’t pressure you into telling me, I’m only trying to look out for you. I noticed you being uncharacteristically quiet. You didn’t even react to anything Yahaba or Kyoutani said. Normally you would be the first one to either tease them or break their fights up.”

Ah. There it was. Iwaizumi has always been the best senpai ever. They didn’t call him team mom for nothing. But Watari couldn’t tell him. His feelings weren’t normal. They weren’t right. He shouldn’t feel this way. He should just leave them alone.

He didn’t answer. He didn’t even look at the older boy. He didn’t want to. Iwaizumi would surely abandon him if he knew. They probably all would. And even if they had every right do so, he wanted to at least finish high school. Gather some kind of good memories before losing everybody.

_But that wasn’t going so well, right?_

After a while of silence Iwaizumi sighed and hugged the boy.

“Shinji, whatever it is, just know you’re not alone. We are a family. We want to help you.”

He didn’t want to cry. He shouldn’t cry. He wasn’t allowed to cry. No. Who did he think he is? Believing his senpais words. Family? He wasn’t part of that. He didn’t have the right to be part of that. Not while wanting to disturb the relationship of the two most important people in his life.

Iwaizumi let go of him and he took off running the second his grip loosened.

_Well done, Shinji. Not suspicions at all._

\-------------

It seemed like Iwaizumi didn’t tell anyone what happened, because no one talked to him about it.

_Or they don’t care enough to ask._

Hes been getting worse. It’s been even harder to find any motivation for anything since his mother has been gone on this business trip. Being alone really didn’t help not thinking how alone he really was. How disgusting he was. How things would be better without him.

He was lying on his bedroom floor. It was all too much. He looked at his phone. 11.49 pm. They were supposed to meet each other at the restaurant at ten.

They lost the finals. He couldn’t save any of the freak duos attacks. They lost. What did he think would happen? In the end he wasn’t good enough.

_But you did already know this, right?_

He took his blade and began to cut through his skin.

_Oh, that was deep. Oh, that’s a lot of blood. Well, no can do._

\-------------- It was Yahaba and Kyoutani who found him. They had let themselves in with Yahabas spare key he got from Wataris mother before she went on that business trip to allow him to check up on his friend.

They wanted to check up on him. Wanted to know why he didn’t come to the restaurant. They did notice how he changed in their third year of high school but he always waved them off when they asked him about it and they never wanted to pry.

Now they wished they had pried. Yahaba called the ambulance immediately and Kyoutani was shaking and you could see the tears in his eyes. Yahaba was in tears as well.

The ambulance came and they rushed him to the hospital.

But it was too late. He didn’t even make it to the ER.

He didn’t even leave a note.


End file.
